


I loved, and I loved (and I lost you)

by Forestgreengirl



Series: so wake me up when this is over (when im wiser and im older) [2]
Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types, star wars: revenge of the sith
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, CC-1010 | Fox Needs A Hug, CC-2224 | Cody Needs a Hug, Established Relationship, F/M, Falling In Love, Force Bond (Star Wars), Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Man fuck Palpatine, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Order 66, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Order 66, Quinlan Vos Needs A Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:14:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23311462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Forestgreengirl/pseuds/Forestgreengirl
Summary: there’s more than one way to die.or(the loves of the Jedi, and how the Jedi lost them.)
Relationships: CC-2224 | Cody/Obi-Wan Kenobi, Quinlan Vos & Obi-Wan Kenobi, Quinlan Vos/CC-1010 | Fox
Series: so wake me up when this is over (when im wiser and im older) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1678885
Comments: 13
Kudos: 176





	1. wilted lilies

**Author's Note:**

> no copyright

Quinlan Vos could say for sure that he was in love; he's said this before, he's not exactly quiet or subtle in his feelings, Obi-Wan, Ventress, hell he's even messed around with people he can't even remember the name of. Being with Fox is  _ different _ in a way he cannot describe, something inside and around him just  _ sings  _ that this is where he's supposed to be, this is who he was supposed to love. It's different to the way he was with Obi-Wan, where their love was overwhelming and shifted, and for all they were best friends; they fought too often to ever be truly happy, both of them knowing full well they weren't meant for each other. 

It wasn't a love he saw coming, they were probably two of the most different people, and yet everything seemed to click; at least on Quinlan’s side, Fox took a bit more convincing to give it a go. Despite how much they had fought, and yelled and  _ cried _ , they always found a way back to each other. Quinlan could honestly see him loving Fox  _ forever _ . 

It shouldn't come as a surprise that one day when they're both exhausted, Quinlan from the grueling mission he had just returned to, and Fox from the overwhelming amount of paperwork he had been saddled with once again, one day Quinlan will fight Palpatine in hand-to-hand combat to give Fox a holiday. It shouldn't have been so surprising that one moment they were lying together, legs intertwined and foreheads pressed together, just embracing the fact that they were both together  _ here and now _ ; and the next they were reeling back from each other, hearts beating wildly and pupils blown. 

“What the  _ kriff _ was that Quinlan?!” Fox questions, panting shallowly, Quinlan could relate, the pressure in his head didn't seem like it planned to let up anytime soon.

“Uh, well, I think I might have accidentally created a.. Force bond with you?”

“ _ Might of?! _ ”

“Yeah..” Quinlan responded sheepishly, one hand coming to rub the back of his neck.

“And what exactly is a force bond?”   
  
“It usually just develops between crechemates, like Obi-Wan and I, or Masters and Padawans. Its like a mental link connecting us.” 

“Stupid kriffing  _ jetti  _ tricks. You didn't think to tell me this could happen??”

“In my defense, I didn't know non-force sensitives could develop bonds.” 

Well, you might suck, but it could be worse I suppose.” Fox responds, sighing heavily before flopping down next to Quinlan again.

Yeah, Quinlan could see himself loving Fox for a  _ very very long time. _

\---

He’s on a solo mission when he feels Fox send a wave of love, and apologies towards Quinlan, they'd recently worked out how to send shallow emotions towards each other; Quinlan took great delight in making Fox flustered during work. As nice as it was to feel the love coming from Fox’s usually quiet side of the bond, the apologies are quite concerning; he doesn't even get the chance to send a questioning thought back before the feeling of something inside him  _ shattering  _ hits him in full force _ ;  _ the pain is enough to send him crashing to his knees, something in them cracking as he lands on the broken concrete path, as overwhelming  _ hurt  _ tears through his mind. 

Everything around him dims slightly, noise fading into the background as the static of a torn bond settles in his head. There was something oddly silent in the absence of a force bond; that's what Obi-Wan had said when Quinlan had asked, at the time he had thought Obi was being overdramatic, but now? When his hands are trembling, and his chest  _ burns _ ? He thinks he truly understands what Obi-Wan was talking about.

Theres only two reasons a force bond ever breaks: manually severed by another force user..or death; It used to be an old Sith torture method, breaking Jedi’s bonds, the agony usually being enough to force one to fall; Quinlan understands why now. Why so many Jedi turned their back on the light, away from the only home they'd ever own, if this was the pain they could avoid.

He’s barely regained his breath, the buzzing in his ears fading before the Force around him  _ shrieks  _ in agony, he feels as a massacre of his family takes place, the Force screaming in  _ betrayalbetrayalfearshockangerrelief,  _ before fading away, leaving the usually bright and full place, cold and empty and  **_dark._ **

_ Luminara, with her dry humour and unwavering loyalty. _

_ Plo Koon, who used to teach the padawans Sabacc when they were sad. _

_ Aayla Secura, his padawan, his beautiful, sweet,  _ **_good_ ** _ padawan. _

_ Bant, sweet and kind Bant; who while was a stick-in-the mud, did her best to keep them safe. _

Eventually the names all blur together, too much death to truly separate; He feels a grief so intense from Obi-Wan that their own bond cracks and tears from the pressure, leaving his mind in a state of echoing silence. His last remaining tether to his previous home; gone

He doesn't get up after that, no matter how much his instincts beg him to get up and  _ run; _ he just tucks his knees up and  _ cries.  _ He cries for his family, his friends, his own padawan, he cries for the overwhelming agony in the Force as he feels the balance shift into a darker light; he cries for the man he loved, for the life they could of lived together after the war; a life where they could of been  _ happy.  _

He screams and he cries and he rages in how Fox was taken from him, his snarky and adorable Fox, who told the best jokes; and had a laugh sweeter than sugar; Fox who had convinced him that there was more to his life than the Jedi. Fox who he was planning to marry, planning to escape the war and build a life together.

_ “What do you’ll think we’ll do after the war Quinlan?” _ _  
_ _  
_ _ “I don't know, maybe run off somewhere, start a life away from war?” _

_ “Be serious.” _ _  
_ _  
_ _ “I am being serious! As long as I’m with you, I could be happy doing anything.” _

_ “You're disgusting.” _

_ “You love me.” _

_ “I do.” _

Quinlan doesn't follow his family into death, he doesn't even follow the person he loved most into death, he's still breathing; but as he's come to know; there's more than one way to die.

  
  
  
  



	2. forget-me-nots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obi-Wan wishes he could blame Cody as much as he had always blamed himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no copyright

Everything is cold, everything is hurting and burning and he's  _ so cold.  _ He hasn't been this cold in a very long time, not since Qui-Gon was defeated, and he got Anakin, and he lost  _ everything _ dear to him. It's a cold he never expected to feel again, he used to lay in bed at night and beg for the cold to leave, to let him feel something again. This isn't a cold he can gain warmth from, this isn't a cold where he can drink some tea and be fine, this is the type of cold that settles in your bones, and hangs in the empty places in your heart. 

Obi-Wan doesn't blame Cody for what happened that day, doesn't even come close, he only wishes he could blame him just as much as he's always blamed himself. Just wishes that for once he wasn't to blame, that for once he could breathe without the guilt of failure shrouding his heart, keeping his breath caught and trapped and  _ cold.  _

He doesn't know why it happened, why the force is  _ screaming  _ in agony, why he can't feel the steady presence of the jedi, and his men in his mind; doesn't understand why he can't feel Cody anymore. There's a gaping presence in his head that he promised himself he’d never let himself feel again. He promised himself he would never let someone get that close to hurt him again. 

_ “Commander CC-2224, sir.” _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “I asked for your name trooper, not your number.” _

_ “Its Cody, sir.” _

_ “I look forward to working with you in the field, Commander Cody.” _

Cody had always been the exception, the commander had somehow torn past any and all walls Obi-Wan had, a steady and firm presence in the midst of all this death and destruction, somebody he could rely on and somebody he could  _ trust.  _ At least that's what he thought. 

He can't get the sound of blasters being cocked out his head, it echoes around him almost as forcefully as the cold does, and the deep sinking sensation of knowing the rug has been pulled out from under him, that his biggest fears have come true and he's lost what matters most. Again. 

“ _ Blast him!”  _

There's something soul-consuming in feeling a force bond snap, it's like a tidal wave of emotion being thrown at you all at once, the rebound alone from such a sudden break has been knowing to  _ shatter  _ some people's minds, he should be the poster boy for Force Bond wounds at this point; he certainly has enough experience. He can still remember how it felt to discover that fledgling bond between him and Cody, can still remember the fear being outweighed by the overwhelming joy at something  _ good  _ simply being  _ his. _

_ “Sir? What was that?” _

_ “I think we just accidentally formed a force bond.”  _

_ “Is that bad?” _

_ “No, it's just not common. Cody I will respect your decision if you want this gone.” _ __   
_   
_ __ “I don't think there's anyone I’d rather share this with, Sir.”

_ “Call me Obi-Wan.” _

Obi-wan should know better than to let himself get attached like he does, he had always been told he's too angry, too emotional, too willing to throw himself head first into loving people; its something he tried to train out of Anakin, he didn't want him to get his heart broken like Obi-Wan had so many times, he just wanted Anakin to be safe; if that meant they couldn't be brothers, than that's what he had to do.

Obi-Wan feels his hands shake where they are clenched inside his robes, the coldness surrounds him in a way he has never felt before, it swirls around him as strongly as the warmth once did, slipping through the cracks in his mind, and the cracks in his heart. Loss had always been something he never learnt how to deal with, he simply let it consume him. 

_ “What’s going to happen after the war?”  _

_ “Hm? I don’t know honestly; we could leave our duties behind, just grow old together?”  _

_ “You’re assuming we’re going to survive this.” _

_ “Of course we will, we have so much to do together.”  _

They had dreams together, dreams soaked in longing and hope,, they had plans for after the war, after all the fighting, some time to just  _ breathe _ . Made during moments of peace as they laid together under star-filled skies, and stolen moments of peace. They dreamt of a time where Cody’s brothers were free, and the Jedi were not painted as blood-soaked warriors, but known again as peacekeepers. Obi-Wan just wants those he loves to be safe.

It’s no surprise that they developed a force bond honestly, when you trust somebody with your life, when you're living and breathing right next to someone, when you rely so heavily on someone; it's hard not to get attached in the face of that. Even with walls built higher than he can even see, Cody had managed to break down every single one of those walls, blindsiding Obi-Wan completely. 

They were both waiting until after the war to make anything official, and Obi-Wan wanted Cody to have the power to make his one choices, and wanted this to be real. 

Somehow this makes everything hurt so much worse, was it all a lie? Did everything they do together, all the promises they made mean nothing? Was it all just a lie? Something to pass the time?

Obi-Wan once asked Quinlan if the pain ever went away, Quinlan had always felt as strongly as Obi-Wan, it’s why anything between them could never last; they were too similar in their love.

_ “Does it ever get easier, Quinlan?” _

_ “No, you just learn to make room for it.”  _

Cody was different from the others, they slotted together so easily, something inside Obi-Wan's chest settled the day they discovered that bond, something he didn’t even know he was missing took place in his heart. Obi-Wan remembers nights under stairs, and lying in dark rooms; listening to the thrum of each other’s heart beats, where Obi-Wan would just open the bond and flood them both with happiness, a brief reprise from the heavy strain of war. 

It’s what makes the knowledge that Cody apparently didn’t care for him as much as he told Obi-Wan he did. He wants to believe that Cody wouldn’t do that, that Cody wouldn’t look him in the eyes and lie directly to him; but blasterfire echoes in his mind, and the cold burn of betrayal has settled inside his chest. 

Maybe one day he’ll come to terms with this, maybe one day he’ll understand why he’s so hard to love; why even Cody couldn’t love him. 

Maybe one day; the cold will leave his bones. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeehonk,, yanno?? This is really messily edited honestly, I wrote it during some Funky emotions™️ But y’all know what’s going on, I’m hurting the boys again w/ my order-66 bullshit 
> 
> Feel free to yell at me- either here or on tumblr (@forestgreengirl)
> 
> \- forestgreengirl

**Author's Note:**

> spoiler alert!! Fox isn’t dead, he’s just technically not all there :)  
> next chapter will be Codywan!
> 
> lemme know what you thought!! or send prompts on tumblr! (@forestgreengirl)
> 
> \- forestgreengirl


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